Today's useless invention
Bastian
It clears the uncertainty from your daily sense of impending doom
From $0/mo. Or don't. It does nothing either way.
Doom Index Tracking
Bastian accurately measures your existential dread levels throughout the day.
Mood Forecasting
Receive personalized predictions on when your anxiety will peak and trough.
Calibration Mode
Bastian's advanced algorithms learn your unique despair patterns to provide more precise readings.
“I was skeptical, but Bastian has genuinely helped me prepare for the inevitable heat death of the universe.”
“I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it just keeps telling me I'm 42% doomed and I don't know what to do with that information.”
“The sense of false security I get from wearing Bastian is priceless – it's like having my own personal oracle of existential dread.”